Thousands have reduced their Jets exposure and lived to tell about it. Read their stories, add your own, or — if you treat the affected for a living — consult our clinical reference below.
Submitted by users and lightly reviewed for clinical accuracy. Names withheld to protect the recovering.
Day 73. I saw the word in a headline and felt nothing. Just nothing. JetScrub gave me that. I wept — and then I stopped, because there was nothing left to weep about.
— Recovering, Western MassachusettsMy son asked me who the head coach was. I had no answer to give him, because JetScrub had already protected us both. We are healing as a family.
— Father of twoI'm a Bills fan. I installed it ironically. My screen time is now 40% more joyful and 100% less green. I'm not taking it off.
— Verified user, Orchard ParkPediatric Safeguard Mode intercepted a highlight one second before my daughter looked up. She will grow up free. I get to decide that for her now.
— Parent, Greater Foxborough AreaSchadenfreude Mode is the only setting I run. It surfaces nothing but the standings. I have never been more at peace. Ten stars. No notes.
— Power user, in good standingFeature request: a gentle chime that plays each time they are mathematically eliminated. I just want to hear it one more time. For closure.
— Anonymous, suggestion boxSubmissions are reviewed before publication — the best ones get added to the wall above. Nothing you send appears publicly on its own. By submitting you understand this is a satirical project and not a medical service.
For clinicians who treat the affected, the following reference describes the presentation colloquially known as Gang Green Disorder (GGD) — a chronic, relapsing-remitting condition characterized by sustained loyalty to a franchise (known to the affected as the Green & White, the Broadway Jets, or — once the standings come up — nothing at all) that has not reached the postseason since January 2011.
| Standard substance-recovery protocol | Gang Green Disorder | |
|---|---|---|
| Trigger source | Avoidable; can be removed from the environment | Actively schedules new exposure 17 times per year |
| Relapse | A setback to be understood and addressed | Is literally the league calendar; not the patient's fault |
| Tolerance | Develops gradually over time | Manifests as ever-larger preseason expectations |
| Abstinence | Encouraged and clinically supported | Socially discouraged within affected households |
| Peer support | Highly effective | Effective, though meetings drift into "but what if we draft…" |
| Prognosis | Improves with sustained treatment | Improves only with a first-round bye; last observed 2010 |
Administer to the patient — or to the concerned loved one on the patient's behalf. In the past 30 days, how often did the patient:
| Item | Never | Monthly | Weekly | Daily |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Visit Jets fan forums or online communities (see list below) | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ |
| Check the team's roster moves during the offseason | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ |
| Use — or involuntarily overhear themselves say — "this is our year" | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ |
| Defend a losing season to a stranger | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ |
| Experience hope at the sight of a backup quarterback | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ |
| Diagram a playoff scenario requiring help from three other teams | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ | ▢ |
Scoring: Never = 0 · Monthly = 1 · Weekly = 2 · Daily = 3. A total of 8 or higher indicates advanced exposure; initiate digital hygiene without delay. A perfect 18 should be walked gently toward the Recovery Wall.
Codes are fictional and not valid for reimbursement. Submitting them to a payer is its own kind of disorder.