⚠ WORKPLACE ADVISORY — THE AFFLICTED MAY BE AMONG YOUR STAFF — CONTAINMENT GUIDANCE FOR THE MODERN EMPLOYER — SATIRE THROUGHOUT — ⚠ ⚠ WORKPLACE ADVISORY — THE AFFLICTED MAY BE AMONG YOUR STAFF — CONTAINMENT GUIDANCE FOR THE MODERN EMPLOYER —

JetScrub™

Clinical Digital Hygiene · Est. 2026

DEPT: WORKPLACE & ACTUARIAL AFFAIRS
RISK TIER: ELEVATED (IN SEASON)
STATUS: CONTAINABLE

A containment guide for the modern employer

There may be
one on your
team.

Supporters of the Green & White are known to depress office morale, generate distractions that lead to industrial accidents, drive up health-insurance premiums, and concentrate absenteeism on Mondays. They are not, as yet, a protected class — but managing them well is good business.

/ The cost to your organization

The risk profile

−14%

team morale the Monday after a loss

3.2×

distraction-related incidents near deadlines

↑↑

stress-driven health-plan utilization

Mon.

absenteeism concentrated, September–January

Conservative estimates place at least one affected individual in every office. The figure rises sharply in the Northeast and in any building with a working television.

/ Identification

Know the warning signs

A green lanyard worn with quiet, undeserved pride
A fantasy-football tab open during every meeting
Audible sighing that begins Sunday at 4:25 PM and persists through Tuesday
Cubicle décor maintained in open defiance of the standings
Requests PTO suspiciously close to the draft
Refers to the team, without irony, as "we"

/ Compliance

A note on termination

⚠ Human Resources Advisory

The affected are not — yet — a protected class. (Monitor pending legislation; one can never be too prepared.) Nevertheless, termination is not advised. It invites legal hassle, and worse, a wrongful-dismissal claim defended with the very conviction the employee brings to a 3–14 season. The modern standard is containment, not separation. Manage the condition; retain the talent.

/ Damage limitation

Recommended accommodations

▢Deploy JetScrub across all company devices. Enterprise digital hygiene; volume licensing available.*
▢Schedule no heavy-machinery or high-stakes work on in-season Mondays.
▢Refer to your Employee Assistance Program (screening tools available in the clinical reference).
▢Designate a containment zone — a break room where postgame grief may be processed away from load-bearing colleagues.
▢Add a wellness-plan incentive for verified exposure reduction.
▢Never schedule an all-hands the morning after a divisional loss.
▢Keep sharp objects, hard deadlines, and unearned optimism away from the affected until Wednesday.

Protect your
workforce.

One enterprise rollout. Every device. A measurably calmer Monday.

Request an Enterprise Quote

There may beone on yourteam.

The risk profile

Know the warning signs

A note on termination

Recommended accommodations

Protect yourworkforce.

There may be
one on your
team.

Protect your
workforce.