⚠ SHARED-VENUE EXPOSURE ADVISORY — FOR SUPPORTERS OF THE OTHER NEW JERSEY TEAM — ALTERNATING-SUNDAY COHABITATION PROTOCOL — SATIRE THROUGHOUT — ⚠     ⚠ SHARED-VENUE EXPOSURE ADVISORY — FOR SUPPORTERS OF THE OTHER NEW JERSEY TEAM — ALTERNATING-SUNDAY COHABITATION PROTOCOL —

JetScrub

Clinical Digital Hygiene · Est. 2026
DEPT: SHARED-VENUE & FACILITIES
VENUE: EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ
STATUS: ALTERNATING EXPOSURE
A public advisory for the forced cohabitant

You share the
building. We're
so sorry.

If you support the other New Jersey team, you don't root for the contaminant — but roughly eight Sundays a year, you sit in the same structure it does. That makes you a special exposure population. This advisory is for you.

/ Understand the risk

A divided house

Through no fault of your own, your team shares a certain large facility in the New Jersey Meadowlands with the affected fanbase — supporters of the so-called Green & White. On alternating weeks, the seat beneath you, the concourse around you, and the cup holder you trust have all hosted carriers of secondhand green. Cohabitation is unavoidable. Preparation is not.

/ Three areas of preparation

Before you attend

Medical Advisory

Talk to your doctor

Review your home schedule with your physician and ask whether your exposure level warrants seasonal precautions. Note that there is no approved vaccine for secondhand green; symptomatic management remains your only defense. Ask whether prophylactic JetScrub is appropriate for the drive home, and whether your booster timing should track the divisional calendar.

Spiritual Advisory

Consult your faith leader

Sitting in a structure that, on alternating Sundays, hosts the contaminant is a genuine test of moral fortitude. Speak with your faith leader about staying strong in a divided house — resisting both the temptation to gloat and the temptation to pity. Many traditions hold that one may sit among the afflicted without becoming them.

Facilities Advisory

Mind the seating

Facilities reporting indicates that enhanced-sanitation events occur at a notably higher frequency following the contaminant's home dates. The seat you occupy may have hosted a carrier as recently as last Sunday. "Accidents" happen; you needn't be downstream of one. A personal barrier and minimal armrest contact are strongly advised.

/ Game-day checklist

Shared-Venue Protocol

FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. This is satire about a friendly sports rivalry. JetScrub is not a medical or sanitation authority, "secondhand green" is not a real exposure, and no stadium, team, or fanbase is actually unsanitary, contagious, or in need of decontamination. For real questions about vaccinations, talk to your actual doctor; for real questions about staying morally strong, your faith leader is a far better resource than a parody website.